The hand on his shoulder means he's seen. And in a way, that's too much. That's terrifying. He doesn't have his shit together, he doesn't have his face on, he's not fooling anybody and he's being seen.
The squeeze also means Arthur's still here despite seeing him. So that's. Reassuring? Just as frightening?
We carry it because they can't.
"I," he says, his mouth struggling around the syllables. Speaking shakily, holding the sobs not quite at arm's length. "I shot a man in the head when he was about to go swimmin' in the River Aisne. Just when he was takin' his shoes off. Because he was an officer. I shot him."
A heavy sniff and a difficult breath in. "Another man I shot when he, when he was marchin' in reinforcements to the German line. They weren't even who I was out there lookin' for, but I saw the opportunity. All the other guys panicked when he fell down and it was- it was like watchin' birds scatter, like I'd shot a goose. I killed that guy. Because maybe it would throw off the enemy a little."
He's making himself sick.
"I can't- I don't know. There's too many."
He doesn't think about this kind of thing, he doesn't remember it, he has good reason not to. It's not safe to think about. He's lost track of the number of fellow soldiers whose final murder has been their own.
"I killed... I killed some-someone else in the Dreamlands. Long before the pits. I don't remember his name, though. I found him after he'd taken a bad fall, and I had a bit of a bed somewhere, so I took him there thinkin' maybe he could get better. Just in case it was really happening. Only when we got talkin', he recognised my name. Started askin' questions. Askin' if... I was... Roland's partner. And I... I'm watchin' it. I-I strangled him. He couldn't fight me, he had a-a broken arm, broken leg, but I convinced myself that the King either invented him or put him up to it. I-I got his throat so he couldn't keep asking, and... No, he was real. He was really there. I know a hawk from a handsaw." Whispered, like he's confirming it to himself: "I know a hawk from a handsaw."
Re: suicidal ideation cw
The squeeze also means Arthur's still here despite seeing him. So that's. Reassuring? Just as frightening?
We carry it because they can't.
"I," he says, his mouth struggling around the syllables. Speaking shakily, holding the sobs not quite at arm's length. "I shot a man in the head when he was about to go swimmin' in the River Aisne. Just when he was takin' his shoes off. Because he was an officer. I shot him."
A heavy sniff and a difficult breath in. "Another man I shot when he, when he was marchin' in reinforcements to the German line. They weren't even who I was out there lookin' for, but I saw the opportunity. All the other guys panicked when he fell down and it was- it was like watchin' birds scatter, like I'd shot a goose. I killed that guy. Because maybe it would throw off the enemy a little."
He's making himself sick.
"I can't- I don't know. There's too many."
He doesn't think about this kind of thing, he doesn't remember it, he has good reason not to. It's not safe to think about. He's lost track of the number of fellow soldiers whose final murder has been their own.
"I killed... I killed some-someone else in the Dreamlands. Long before the pits. I don't remember his name, though. I found him after he'd taken a bad fall, and I had a bit of a bed somewhere, so I took him there thinkin' maybe he could get better. Just in case it was really happening. Only when we got talkin', he recognised my name. Started askin' questions. Askin' if... I was... Roland's partner. And I... I'm watchin' it. I-I strangled him. He couldn't fight me, he had a-a broken arm, broken leg, but I convinced myself that the King either invented him or put him up to it. I-I got his throat so he couldn't keep asking, and... No, he was real. He was really there. I know a hawk from a handsaw." Whispered, like he's confirming it to himself: "I know a hawk from a handsaw."